A Witty Title.

Sweet boy, I think you are missing the point. It isn't about 'wanting' a relationship. One shouldn't go out looking for these things. Dave V , every six months or so, used to call me up and tell me that he wanted a girlfriend. He'd ask me to set him up with one of my friends (which is a problem since most of my friends are male and the ones who aren't are nearly all married, in serious relationships or homosexual.) And I'd say to him what your friend said to you. Why?

(Remember, since it seems I must clarify this, all things preficed with "In my opinion...")

The kind of relationship you are talking about isn't all lovey-dovey warm feelings. It is also responsibilities and compromise. It is sharing your life with another person who now has the right to invade your privacy and insist that you do what they want to do instead of what you want to do while restricting your behaviour in general. What it isn't is one person unconditionally loving another. The love can be unconditional, but there are always conditions on the relationship, even if it is as simple as requiring that the other person love you back. But any relationship between two people which is ultimately selfish (that is, about me more than you) is a failure, no matter how long it lasts. (And, to my mind, that includes friendships.) Because love is not selfish.

My point is (and I will get around to answering your question) that anyone starting a relationship because they 'want' a relationship is approaching it from the wrong angle. This isn't just about what you want, and starting a relationship without considering how the other person feels is outside the realms of love. Relationships happen. One doesn't hunt them down because one feels lonely or sexually frustrated (for example). So, bearing that in mind, why do you want a relationship?

I didn't want a relationship. I occasionally felt lonely while without one but that didn't make me want a relationship. (Of course, it kinda helps that more than half of my past relationships sucked.) I wasn't looking for Psi. He just happened along and then here I was.

As for what I get from the relationship, I get Psi. I didn't have that before and it is the most important thing I get from the relationship. I get someone to more intimately share my life than anyone else and that someone is Psi. I get someone who cooks dinner nearly every night because I'm sick and that someone is Psi. I get someone to take care of and that someone is Psi. I get someone who doesn't understand television watching and that someone is Psi. I get someone who stands by me and that someone is Psi. I get someone who leaves his belongings lying around and that someone is Psi.

And I love him. Not the relationship. Him. So in the end it isn't just about what I get. It's about what I give. About what we share. And mostly we share each other.

And that's what gets us through the arguments and disagreements, the grouchy and tired and sore. We love each other.

So I suppose the question you are really asking is this: what can this style of relationship give you that a friendship cannot. I would say, more focused attention. It isn't possible for one person to offer complete open-mindedness and unconditionally love (or as much as we imperfect beings can offer) when dealing with the whole world. Even a small group is very very difficult. One person is a lot easier. I think, perhaps, if we could manage such a response, such unselfishness, with more than one person we would have this sort of relationship with everyone. And one day we will, new heaven and new earth and all that where there will be no more marriage.

Bearing in mind that a marriage-style relationship is a reflection of the relationship between Christ and the church (meaning not the institution but the body of people who make up his followers): it is about love and forgiveness.

Sorry this is so long. I have one more thing to say.

It is easy to be lonely when you are not in a relationship, especially if those around you are. It is a natural response (which is probably tied up with a hormonal desire to procreate though I wouldn't consider that to be irrational: maybe arrational) and I don't think humans are meant to live alone. But that's what friends are for. And God is always there. You just have to reach out. And one day your prince will come.
 

Hey Matt,

You're just talking about romantic relationships, right? Not family relationships or friendships or we're-all-part-of-the-body-of-Christ sort of relationships?

Part of the answer to your question can be found in the person of God himself: that God is relationship in himself, being Father, Son and Holy Spirit. We have been created in his image—created for relationship (one day I will write an article about this). This makes human relationships one of the most important things in the world and it's the reality that changes everything—the way you view human life (and consequently murder, abortion, euthanasia and other hot topics), the way you treat other people and the decisions you make, day to day (e.g. Broughton Knox once said that profit should never be the primary goal of business because once you start thinking in those sort of terms, relationships get marginalised).

That said, it's built into the fabric of humanity to want to be intimate with another person (like the way that Father, Son and Holy Spirit share the deepest intimacy, so wonderfully described in parts of John's gospel). Di Warren pointed out at the most recent EQUIP conference that therefore it's right that single people should feel grief at still being single at times. But thankfully God has sent his son to redeem humanity and bring them into true relationship with him—the most intimate relationship of all which we will enjoy for all eternity in the new heaven and new earth.

That is why we crave relationship.
 

The first 'not good' in the bible was that man was alone.
Dont want to post massively so I will leave it at that and see what discussion it creates.
 

I'm new here - just surfing through the blogs like I sometimes do.

I am single and I do desire to be in a relationship one day.

Before I answer why I just want to point out 1 Corinthians 7 - in this chapter you'll read things like "It is good for man not too marry" "To the unmarried and widows it is good for them to stay unmarried unless they can't control passion"

So why do I personally want to be in a relationship one day.

I feel that God has given me the best gift of all.. Love. I'd like to show that love in a number of different ways. I'd like to love someone. I'd also like to be loved in return maybe that's selfish but isn't love one of God's greatest gifts? If someone is giving you a gift is it selfish to accept?

I do think we have to be aware that it's not all lovey dovey, romantic gooey stuff. In the same portion of scripture it says those who marry will face many troubles in life.

Relationships aren't to be taken lightly.

However, like someone else mention in Genesis it says that God sent a partner coz it's not good for man to live alone.

I believe that God will provide a partner that will support you in what you do and be a benefit to all.

I know you were asking about relationships and not married but I figure the 2 kinda go together.

Anyways - that's my 2 cents. :)

Good blog
 

I forgot to add to my first comment that built into the fabric of humanity (for the way God made us was in his image) is a deep desire for intimacy with God. Intimacy with God is primary and all other relationships are subordinate to this. Hence, if you love God, you will love your neighbour.
 

Just my few cents. It seems to me that a big part of it is being able to love another person completely (and I would say unconditionally), to be completely intimate sharing all of your lives with each other. And, God willing having a family together.
 

(gently pries off the religious lens off the discussion and sets aside for other people's future use)

Ok, well then, as I understand it the question can be summed up as: "What does a romantic/sexual/marriage-style relationship provide an individual that a good friendship or family relationship does not?”

Lets See…

- Affection; very few people experience genuine ‘affection’ outside of romantic relationships, and even when they do it rarely reaches the same intensity or regularity.

- Family; Romantic relationships are the foundation of new family units and provide an individual (or rather the new couple) the opportunity to ‘build their own family’ weather it eventually includes children or not.

- Children; Similarly to the above romantic relationships can eventually provide an individual with offspring, which serve to perpetuate both an individuals genes AND their culture and values system.

- Sex … enough said.

- Intimacy; (I think this was touched on in someone else’s response as well) few people are willing to share their most intimate thoughts and feeling with a lot of people, after all, such things are ‘special’, and they’re not as special if just anybody knows, right? Romantic relations provide a ‘one special someone’ whom a person can be emotionally intimate with, and as there is just one, the things shares in that intimacy remain special.

- Validation: When someone says they love you they are, in a way, saying they want & need you more than anyone else. Few things validate a person’s existence like being needed.

- Acceptance: Related to what I said about intimacy & validation, when in a romantic relationship an individual can (generally) say that the person they are involved with knows them better than anyone (warts and all), and still accepts (and indeed loves) them.

- Support: In a romantic relationship the other person (theoretically) puts you at the top of their list of priorities and hence will likely provide you with a great deal of support (not just emotional BTW).

- And More: I am speaking as someone who has never, as such, been in a romantic relationship, hence I suspect that there are benefits and perks that I’m missing.

Ok, but there did seem to be an undercurrent to the original question; “What should you be wanting from a relationship that isn't unreasonable, or selfish, or wrong...?”

Well the above is all quite personally desirable, and hence, in a vacuum, selfish & unreasonable. However it is not meant to be taken in a vacuum, there is another person involved, someone looking for (and expecting) much the same things and when such a relationship works it is because it is a two-way street (much like any relationship). It works because while they provide what you are looking for, you, in turn, provide what they are looking for. It is a trade.

(at least this is how I think it works, as mentioned, I lack first hand experience)

anyway that’s my 2 cents.
 

I dont think this will make too much sense to any one but ,yself but here goes. I recently had an interesting conversation with two male friends of mine about what we expect from a relationship and what the difference is between that and freindship and if it is possible for males and females to have a closerelationship AS FRIENDS!!!

I am an advocate of these 'inter gender' friendships- there is something I get out of them that I dont really get from other friendships with girls. I have thought about it carefully and I cant figure out why exactly but I seem to get along with males better than females.

In the past I have confused this (more than once...) with other feelings and confused this with romantic thoughts which complicated things but never having been in such a relationship with someone, I cant really say what the difference is. What I would get out of a relationship with someone that I dont get from some of my other friends? More to the point what can I offer to another person? I dont know. I really couldnt say. However, I guess it adds a whole new dimension to the relationship.

I have friends who are not actually able to make a definition between male friends and boyfriends- any interactions they have with the opposite sex are with a focus on forming a relationship with them.

I know this is slightly off the point to a lot of it as mentioned at the beginning it may only make sense to me but who knows.

Who knows what lasts? One of my good friends is in the middle of getting a divorce at the moment and I know that when she got married she wasnt thinking that her vows were 'til boredom we do part'. However I know my mother's love is unconditional though her relationship with my father obviously wasnt. What did they get out of it? I dont have an answer
 

Wow, I have been enjoying reading all of these responses. I'm not going to put in my two cents (I need both of them), but I can lend you one.

I am currently in the only long term relationship I have ever been in (and hopefully the only one I will ever be in). I get a lot out of it, but I also put a lot in. I have also had some very close friends in my time (who I have spent a lot more time with than I have with Sam), and I think there is only one thing I currently get out of my relationship with Sam that I don't get out of the others: a partner. Sam (warning: mushy crap ahead) said the other day something along the lines of "Of course I don't mind picking you up, we're partners", and it sunk in that I have another half. Someone who will alternately back me up or smack me down (whatever is required) without thinking about it, because they understand the world through two sets of eyes rather than one. Umm, a real, real second half is what I'm trying to explain. A second half which is part of you. Not being particularly eloquent, am I? Hmmm, well if anyone has read His Dark Materials trilogy, a daemon. A part of you which is not part of you.

Don't get me wrong, I have had friends with whom I have shared a bond almost this close, but even with my very best friends, there is generally a part of me that is unexposed (lol - I mean personality-wise. Although I do generally wear clothes too), but with a serious romantic partner, nothing is hidden. That's both good and bad, and I don't think it's worth bothering if you aren't doing it for the person, not for the relationship (I'm so sick of my friends saying "Oh, I want a boyfriend" - there is lots stuff that is not good about serious romantic relationships that you also don't get in other kinds too). Yeah, well anyway, that's what I get out of it that I have never gotten from another kind of relationship.
 

Hey Matt,

I struggle with the same issues. On the one hand, we are relational beings and it's not good for man to be alone. On the other hand, we're told that it is good for a man not to marry, and that God should be sufficient for us. It can be difficult to balance these.

On top of that, it's possible to be content without a relationship, and lonely within one.

I think most people yearn for affection, companionship and love. I'm not sure that human relationships can ever fully satisfy us, though. Perhaps the most important thing is to be satisfied with God's love and be in a right relationship with him first.

(No price attached to these comments!)

Lara
 

Hmm, I don't really go around thinking "I want a relationship". When I'm not interested in any particular person I'm not fussed, and when I am wanting an individual person it's them that I want not a relationship in general.

I don't feel any need to get married for the sake of marriage itself.

So I guess I fail this topic. ;p
 

I think that makes you one of the very few people who pass actually.
 

Matt! I do not feel that you being so flippant - so dismissive of the people who took the time to take your topic seriously and actually express and opinion in answer to your question - is a reasonable or polite way of dealing with your friends. You don't have to agree with anyone but I, at least, would appreciate it if you could say what it is you think. Perhaps express what it is that makes you disagree with the opinions given and treat those opinions and the people who hold them with some respect. Maybe consider why they hold those opinions?

I'm sorry to be so aggressive. I feel very strongly that this is an inappropriate and inconsiderate way of dealing with your friends and their opinions. Especially when so many of us have taken the time to consider and respond to your question.
 

Addendum: I hasten to add that none of that was intended as a criticism of Little. Just in case it was taken that way. After all, s/he also expressed an opinion.
 

Much apologies. I had no idea how badly I said what I was trying to say. Looking back at it, I can see how it could be taken that way very easily. This was not AT ALL intended as a comment on the others who have posted here. I have found all your insights interesting and helpfull... I'm still thinking through my own position on this.

The comment I made was intended as a comment on society (and to a lesser extent myself, who while I know it is wrong still struggles with this) and intended as an encouragement to those who do not feel that way (like little) as while they may be the majority on this blog, they are a definatly minority in real life.

Again apologies if I offended.

Matt