A Witty Title.

You do fall for who you fall for. There are many reasons why this may have happened, but in the end you will have to decide. You can follow one or all of the following: Heart, Head or God (if there are more then that's cool, I not going to dwell on it). Excellent if all three are green. If one is not and it's "on you list" then let the struggle begin.

Without going in to details I can think of two personal relevant examples.

1) My ex was a Christian and she fell in love with me (after some time). She met two of the three God and head, but the attraction was not there. I thought that it would grow over time, but no. Lesson: I will never again go out with someone who I am not attracted to at the beginning. This brings me to:

2) There is a non-Christian who I was attracted to very quickly. Big problem. Oh, and for those of you thinking along the lines that this was only physical, it was not.
 

It is difficult when you meet someone who meets most of the criteria on your list, but doesn't match up with one of the uncompromisable ones. I've had this discussion with a friend many times. She can't understand why I wouldn't date or marry a non-Christian. She says, 'Isn't marriage all about compromise?' Well, yes, it is... but there are some things we can't compromise on. And that can be so hard sometimes!
 

I'm with gadgit. The important thing I was trying to express before is this: if you get everything that's on your list, huzzah. But you need to think clearly before eliminating someone just because they don't meet all your criteria. While the core of your criteria are admirable and highly important things, what you perceive from the outset (for example, how committed someone is to God, whether or not someone is committed to God, occasionally whether or not someone is female) are things which not only change over time but are things one can... mis-perceive. Just because you think someone is committed to Christ doesn't make it so and vice versa. At least two of my ex-boyfriends, claimed to be christians when I started going out with them. Over time it became clear that their committment simply wasn't there. The opposite can be also true: different people have different ways of living their faith (for example, most christians disapprove of Psi and I living together before marriage - doesn't make me less committed to God) and you may not even recognise someone who God created perfect for you because she doesn't fit your interpretation of what it means to be dedicated to her faith.

As far as I'm concerned, the items on your list are important. Just be ready to take your perceptions with a grain of salt.
 

Talen tells me that it's actually biblically advised that you shouldn't marry somebody not of the Christian faith, but from a non-christian perspective, I don't see the issue. As it came up when Talen and I were discussing the subject last night, though, this may be because my parents have always had different religions, and while it has brought up issues in their marriage, it certainly hasn't come between them in a way which prevents them from being together. Somewhat long-winded example follows, feel free to skip.

Basically, my mother was raised as a Catholic, but as an adult was of a Christian extraction known as the Worldwide Church of God, which basically mixed in parts of old-testament Jewish beliefs (not celebrating Christmas, not eating pigs/seafood, celebrating the Feasts of Trumpets, Tabernacles etc, observing Passover, and so forth) but not all. I'm not sure when she began going, but it's as long as I can remember (though to this day, I still have no idea what this particular extraction was /called/).

Anyway, my Dad's always been an atheist, or possibly agnostic - I'm not quite sure, but one or the other. For a while my sister and I attended church with Mum, then didn't, on Dad's request, then were given the choice ourselves when we were a little older (I went until I realised that I thought all the rules and strictures were a stupid distraction from the point of God, and if we were all just nice to each other we wouldn't have to worry about getting up early on a Saturday morning).

Anyways, my mum eventually came to the same realisation as me, and after a while of being unaffiliated joined a faith known as Subud, which is based on the idea of a more personal, one-on-one relationship with God. Interesetingly, these days, her faith and her marriage are both stronger than they ever have been. It amuses me to note, looking back to the thread that spawned all of this, that the main reason her marriage grew so many problems is that her original faith held to the idea that the husband was the leader of the marriage, and that her pastor advised her to submit to his decisions rather than raising her objections.

Anyway, just some food for thought. The only problem I can see with mixed-faith relationships is that Christianity basically mandates eternal death and suffering for people with different views. Having a spouse of a different faith doesn't necessarily weaken your own faith, but imaging them burning in hell for eternity might.
 

Latecomer to this long-running thread.


Point 1: Falling for people

I think it's actually possibly to guard your heart from falling.

There's a point where you notice someone, and you like them, and you feel a certain attraction to them.

There's actually a decision point there (which most people don't make, and don't realise is makable): do you feed the attraction, or kill it? Feeding the attraction is constantly thinking about that person, wondering what they like, remembering all the funny things they said, seeking out a conversation with that person and sending cute emails to that person and reading their blog consistently (amongst other things).

But you can actually guard your heart, and prevent yourself from falling from the
"attraction" stage to the "smitten" stage. It's a good thing to do while you're figuring out the compatibility thing, otherwise once your heart runs rampant, you lose any possibility of making a rational decision. In some sense, I only really dropped my guard in my current relationship when I decided that she fit, and I proposed. I'm happily smitten now, but I didn't need to be.
 

Point 2: Word and deeds

Re: Laurel-li's first point...

There are lots of people who claim to be Christian, but aren't... that's why it's worth watching a person's deeds, as well as their words. Watching how they treat their friends, their family, their little sister, their work, their church will show you more about who they are then anything they might tell you to get with you.

It's those things you want to watch out for, before you decide to go out with someone.

If you don't know what they're really like, hang out with them as a friend first before going out with them!

Not knowing stuff like that just sets you up for a world of hurt, otherwise.
 

Re: Naraneter
Subject: if a spouse loses their faith...

I can't tell you what Matthew would say, but I CAN tell you what the Bible says (and the two might just happen to co-incide...)

Stay with them - don't divorce them.

1 Cor 7:12-13: "If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him."

The point is, when you married, you promised "for better for worse." This is worse, but you DID make that promise before God (the hypothetical situation is for a Christian, after all). So unless you think God breaks his promises and wants us to do so too, I don't think you'd want to be breaking your promise in that regard either.


...that doesn't mean they won't want to divorce you, and if they've had a change of belief, that "promise before God" thing probably won't hold anymore...

three verses on, Paul write:
"But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?"
1 Cor 7:15-16.
 

LL - Yes take your perceptions with a grain of salt. However there all you have to go on. If you percieve them to not be chritians, for example, by all means be their friend, but plan no more than that. If you later discover you are wrong, then you can always change the situation when that occurs.

If you percieve them to be christians and they aren't then you can only do what I have said. Realise you have made a mistake. Relaise you could no longer marry them. And get out as painlessly as possible.

The list still retains integrity through that.

Fox -- Yeah, I think that is most of it. I couldent handle living with someone I loved who didnt share my faith, because I know what the eventual result of their life will be (Or at least what I believe it to be)

But also there is a profound effect on both my life, and the way I live it, and my marriage and the attitude with which I aproach it (even above and beyone submissivness) which I dont think I would be comfortable ignoring.

I need to share the most important aspect of my life with my wife. And she need s to accept that if it ever came down to god or her, god would take precidence.

I couldent and wouldent ask a non-christian to accept that.

(Yeah.. I can see this provoking some responses...)

Nara - No, I would never do that.. Because I would never know if their reason for accepting christianity was because they actually accepted it or if it was because they liked me.

In fact If I was interested in someone who was considering christianity I would talk to a mutual female christian friend and get them to explore it with the person.

In the case of a falling partner... All I really have to say is I Fervently pray I never need to answer that question. I can't begin to imagine my reactgions enough to be sure what I would actually do.. But I would hope that it would be godly. Pray a lot.

Re the above, see also Haroan's post. (just above this one. Id do that ;-) )
 

My belief is simple- you fall for who you fall for- you cannot necessarily help that- you can however help what you do with that- I really dont believe that we are slaves to our impulses!!!
 

Fox: Paul advises in the bible that one should avoid marriage unless you can't control your sexual urges because it takes your attention away from God. He is, however, the only one and, on the whole, the bible encourages marriage style relationships. Just a clarification. There are things here I would quibble with but I think we'd just end up arguing to no point, so I'll let other people do it instead.;)

Naranater: I would try and introduce, by one means or another, everyone I care about to Christianity. Being attracted to someone wouldn't change that. As for losing one's faith...

I have a friend who was very active in the church and who seemed to be very strong in his faith. One day, while talkig to him, he announces that he has 'decided' to no longer be a christian. My reaction (and Hell's, funnily enough) was "how the fuck do you do that?" How does one go from loving and having faith in someone you believe to be the one true and loving God who saves you from the consequences of your sin to simply not believing it anymore? I have good friends who have been raised as Christians, who belive in God and wish that they couldn't. I know people who have been abused by the church and still belive in God, though they believe Him to be a complete bastard. How does one simply stop believing in something that big and good and invasive? One of my best friends is homosexual and a christian (and, yes, this is possible), and what I always get from this individual is "why can't I stop believing", not "I have stopped believing." The only thing I can come up with is that people who simply stop believing weren't particularly strong in their faith to begin with, an answer I don't like. How does one "lose" one's faith? It's not like your car keys.

I suppose, if my partner lost his faith, I would continue to love him. Not one of us is perfect and I am responsible only for my own actions. So I would act in the most loving way I could.

Haoran: Hey dude! I think it is possible for some people to do exactly that. On the other hand, some people go straight from attraction to smitten without all the bits in between. That said, attracted, smitten, head over heels, none of this means that one should disengage one's brain. At the same time, you don't know - can't know - what a person is really like until you try. Even friends are not as close as partners: friends will always hide things that partners share. I'm not advocating having immoral liaisons (*waits for all the people objecting to the term to calm somewhat*) with anyone, but I do feel it is important to go out with someone before you decide that they are absolutely the one for you. And just because someone doesn't appear to fulfil one's requirements, doesn't mean you should (or must or any other absolute term) quash any feelings of attraction. They may surprise you.

In the end, I agree with Matt that a relationship as a christian should be between christians. But the fact is that you cannot know another's heart. I would not marry someone who did not share my faith and I feel so blessed in that Psi does (since he is absolutely wonderful and truly a blessing from God - I mean, the guy started going out with me after I got really sick!) But I can only go with what I see, which may or may not be the reality, and pray that what I see is true.

And I like what Ren3d said.
 

Matt - "I need to share the most important aspect of my life with my wife. And she needs to accept that if it ever came down to god or her, god would take precidence.

I couldent and wouldent ask a non-christian to accept that."

Actually, I think that makes perfect sense. While I still think that you fall for who you fall for regardless of what you want, I'd fully agree that it would be unfair to tell somebody of a different faith (ie, one that doesn't hold to God (or other appliccable being/cause) being the most important thing in one's life) that you want to marry them, but they will always come second in the importance stakes. If I were Christian I imagine I wouldn't mind if Talen wanted to put God before me, but as I'm irreligious Talen is the most important thing in my life, and I expect the same from him.

Karen - I wasn't saying that the bible was anti-marriage ^^; What gives you that idea?