Friday, May 20, 2005
Relationships
Haoran recently talked about relationships, and how to support someone who feels a complete lack of sucess in that area. I have recently been thinking on related issues actually. And in doing so, I came to a revelation about myself. I have reached the point where I’m so caught up in, so obsessed about, having a girlfriend, that I shift all of my relationship needs that aren’t being fulfilled onto that missing relationship.
What do I mean by that? Never having had a serious relationship, I imagine what one would be like. I imagine what needs of mine it would fulfill, and when I find a need that I am lacking (Something as simple as in-depth conversation and sharing with a close friend) I can see how this imaginary girlfriend could fulfill that need. So I stop looking for it in any other context.
Instead I put all the onus onto finding that special girl who will "Solve all my problems"
In my (incredibly limited) experience, many (Most?) of the things that we seem to rely on a girlfriend to provide could just as easily be provided by a close male friend. Conversation, time spent together encouraging each other, a solution to loneliness, none of these requires a girlfriend to solve
Yet we (Or at least I, cause I’m really talking about myself here, but I’m assuming its universal to some extent) aren’t willing to accept them in that context... we need to find this girl who will solve all our problems in one neat package. And when we cant find her, things are so much worse, cause were not just missing a significant other… were missing all the other things we have packaged up as part of that relationship.
Maybe I’m completely off the mark, but this seems to be how I’m seeing relationships at the moment.
A lot of what I look for in a relationship can probarbly be provided through friendships, and dare I say it, through a closer walk with jesus. Something else to think about.
What do I mean by that? Never having had a serious relationship, I imagine what one would be like. I imagine what needs of mine it would fulfill, and when I find a need that I am lacking (Something as simple as in-depth conversation and sharing with a close friend) I can see how this imaginary girlfriend could fulfill that need. So I stop looking for it in any other context.
Instead I put all the onus onto finding that special girl who will "Solve all my problems"
In my (incredibly limited) experience, many (Most?) of the things that we seem to rely on a girlfriend to provide could just as easily be provided by a close male friend. Conversation, time spent together encouraging each other, a solution to loneliness, none of these requires a girlfriend to solve
Yet we (Or at least I, cause I’m really talking about myself here, but I’m assuming its universal to some extent) aren’t willing to accept them in that context... we need to find this girl who will solve all our problems in one neat package. And when we cant find her, things are so much worse, cause were not just missing a significant other… were missing all the other things we have packaged up as part of that relationship.
Maybe I’m completely off the mark, but this seems to be how I’m seeing relationships at the moment.
A lot of what I look for in a relationship can probarbly be provided through friendships, and dare I say it, through a closer walk with jesus. Something else to think about.
# posted by ChinDoGu @ 13:53 
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I can completely empathise with you on this, Matt (though I'd like a boyfriend, not a girlfriend! :-p) I think it's partly to do with society's emphasis on relationships. How often do we see movies where the lead characters don't end up together? If we do, they don't end up happy - they end up lonely and miserable. That promotes the view that people need relationships to be complete. I hate that idea! We should be complete in our relationship with God. Like the Bethany Dillon song I like quoting - "You are all I need when I'm surrounded, you are all I need when I'm by myself. You fill me when I'm empty, you are all I need." It's a bit harder to live that out, though.
I think the other danger is that we can focus too much on what we want or expect to get out of a relationship, and not enough on what we can provide for the other person. Humans are flawed and fallen, and so are always going to disappoint us.
Yes, we can find aspects of what we want from girl-boy relationships in other friendships - conversation, encouragement, company etc. But still, I think the desire for a special someone is legitimate. After all, God made us for relationships. I guess we just have to put our relationship with God first, because that's the only one that will truly satisfy us!!
I think the other danger is that we can focus too much on what we want or expect to get out of a relationship, and not enough on what we can provide for the other person. Humans are flawed and fallen, and so are always going to disappoint us.
Yes, we can find aspects of what we want from girl-boy relationships in other friendships - conversation, encouragement, company etc. But still, I think the desire for a special someone is legitimate. After all, God made us for relationships. I guess we just have to put our relationship with God first, because that's the only one that will truly satisfy us!!
You've said it well lara, there is indeed a need in us for a special relationship, and I wasnt trying to deny that... Im just trying to strip it back to what it is, not what we want it to be. What hollywood has made it.
Mabey im the wrong person to be doing that, after all, ive never had one, so i dont know what im talking about.
But that is how I see it, so its how I called it.
Incidentally - and a complete asside, As part of an interview at the church weekend away, the question was asked what movie best describes your life. Which got me thinking... What is the answer for me.. and I finally came to the conclusion of The Huntchback of Notradame.
To put you out of your misery of woundering why, the main character is a social outcast, a misfit, who by dint of a very special person believing in them achieves amazing things. And yet, he dosent get the girl, but finds true happyness anyway.
Id say im about 3/4 of the way through the movie at the moment.. im so busy trying to get the girl, that I havent realised I dont need her to be happy. But im getting there.
But yeah hunchback is one of those very few movies which expresses the point that you can have a happy ending without getting the girl.
Hollywood has a lot to answer for.
Mabey im the wrong person to be doing that, after all, ive never had one, so i dont know what im talking about.
But that is how I see it, so its how I called it.
Incidentally - and a complete asside, As part of an interview at the church weekend away, the question was asked what movie best describes your life. Which got me thinking... What is the answer for me.. and I finally came to the conclusion of The Huntchback of Notradame.
To put you out of your misery of woundering why, the main character is a social outcast, a misfit, who by dint of a very special person believing in them achieves amazing things. And yet, he dosent get the girl, but finds true happyness anyway.
Id say im about 3/4 of the way through the movie at the moment.. im so busy trying to get the girl, that I havent realised I dont need her to be happy. But im getting there.
But yeah hunchback is one of those very few movies which expresses the point that you can have a happy ending without getting the girl.
Hollywood has a lot to answer for.
You both raise really interesting points- ones which I have been thinking through a lot lately (well for the past 7-8 years anyway). I know that I too am guilty of placing too much emphasis on finding the "one" and not enough time and energy in making my relationship with God and even with other girls my priority. It is very difficult sometimes in Christian Circles to be single when there is so much emphasis placed on marriage and relationships (with the occasional sermon and talk about singleness).
It can be disheartening when people are coupling up and when people who are a lot younger than you are getting married- particularly when you have always wanted children.
Anyway- enough babbling!
It can be disheartening when people are coupling up and when people who are a lot younger than you are getting married- particularly when you have always wanted children.
Anyway- enough babbling!
# posted by 
: Friday, May 20, 2005 8:08:00 pm
: Friday, May 20, 2005 8:08:00 pm
I dont kn ow if this will appear again later but thought I would put it in properly:
You both raise really interesting points- ones which I have been thinking through a lot lately (well for the past 7-8 years anyway). I know that I too am guilty of placing too much emphasis on finding the "one" and not enough time and energy in making my relationship with God and even with other girls my priority. It is very difficult sometimes in Christian Circles to be single when there is so much emphasis placed on marriage and relationships (with the occasional sermon and talk about singleness).
It can be disheartening when people are coupling up and when people who are a lot younger than you are getting married- particularly when you have always wanted children.
Anyway- enough babbling!
You both raise really interesting points- ones which I have been thinking through a lot lately (well for the past 7-8 years anyway). I know that I too am guilty of placing too much emphasis on finding the "one" and not enough time and energy in making my relationship with God and even with other girls my priority. It is very difficult sometimes in Christian Circles to be single when there is so much emphasis placed on marriage and relationships (with the occasional sermon and talk about singleness).
It can be disheartening when people are coupling up and when people who are a lot younger than you are getting married- particularly when you have always wanted children.
Anyway- enough babbling!
You're only touching the tip of a bigger problem here, Matt. Said better by a better man...
Here.
Here.
# posted by : Sunday, May 22, 2005 10:09:00 pm
: Sunday, May 22, 2005 10:09:00 pm
Thoughts.
I think that the need that is in us is more than just society's positive (or perhaps negative) reinforcement (sorry Lara).
Part of the way that God made man and woman is for relationship: see Genesis 2. It is not good for man to be alone. See Ecc 4:8-12. And has been pointed out by more than one minister in my time, God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Still, fellowship with members of the same sex are important, and too often neglected by we poor old single people pining for relationship.
Singleness and childlessness were not good things in Hebrew society.
That having been said. Jesus, and us living in the end times changes our priorities. I was just re-reading 1 Cor 7 to remind myself of the antidote to the "I need to get married" thing.
Plus in the light of Jesus and the Holy Spirit, we have companionship with him.
But especially if you're a "touch" person, like me, an unfortunate fact is that God will NOT give you a hug.
Even in theory though, I don't think that's supposed to be enough. Part of the grace God gives to us is the fellowship of people in the church to love and encourage us (see Paul's experiences in Timothy and Titus).
Hrm. I think that rambled a bit.
I think that the need that is in us is more than just society's positive (or perhaps negative) reinforcement (sorry Lara).
Part of the way that God made man and woman is for relationship: see Genesis 2. It is not good for man to be alone. See Ecc 4:8-12. And has been pointed out by more than one minister in my time, God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Still, fellowship with members of the same sex are important, and too often neglected by we poor old single people pining for relationship.
Singleness and childlessness were not good things in Hebrew society.
That having been said. Jesus, and us living in the end times changes our priorities. I was just re-reading 1 Cor 7 to remind myself of the antidote to the "I need to get married" thing.
Plus in the light of Jesus and the Holy Spirit, we have companionship with him.
But especially if you're a "touch" person, like me, an unfortunate fact is that God will NOT give you a hug.
Even in theory though, I don't think that's supposed to be enough. Part of the grace God gives to us is the fellowship of people in the church to love and encourage us (see Paul's experiences in Timothy and Titus).
Hrm. I think that rambled a bit.
# posted by : Wednesday, May 25, 2005 9:07:00 am
: Wednesday, May 25, 2005 9:07:00 am
Famous single people.
Paul
Peter
Jesus
I think right there we have evidence that singleness is just as valid and can(not always, but its possible) in fact give you even more oportunity to do amazing things.
Paul
Peter
Jesus
I think right there we have evidence that singleness is just as valid and can(not always, but its possible) in fact give you even more oportunity to do amazing things.
Haoran said...
Thoughts.
I think that the need that is in us is more than just society's positive (or perhaps negative) reinforcement (sorry Lara).
That's true, but society does put a huge amount of pressure on people to be in relationships, almost just for the sake of it. And, as Matt pointed out, the Bible teaches that we can serve God equally well as single people. (Though I think Peter was married...)
Thoughts.
I think that the need that is in us is more than just society's positive (or perhaps negative) reinforcement (sorry Lara).
That's true, but society does put a huge amount of pressure on people to be in relationships, almost just for the sake of it. And, as Matt pointed out, the Bible teaches that we can serve God equally well as single people. (Though I think Peter was married...)
Probarbly was actually. My bad. I was trying to think of a good third name to use since these things are more effective in threes.
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