Saturday, May 21, 2005
Matthews Theorums
Heres something I wrote quite a while ago, with intent to blog it somewhere..
Ill reporduce it here as is.
So recently Ive been thinking about some laws --- rules by which to live my life.
Ive spent quit a bit of time pondering these, So Ive decided to put them out there, and let others read them, so they can see just how far off the mark... or close to it... I am. This kinda turned into a leacture on how the world and personal interaction works... so apologies.. And let me know what you agree/disagree with...
So here they are.. Let me know what you think.
Matthews Life theorums v1.0
1) Everyone else is a person too. Whether it be your local minister, your politician, etc.
- Corollory1 -- This applies to me as well.
Whats this one all about? Its about unreasonable expectations.. We expect our ministers, our politicians to be larger than life. To be shining, perfect examples. To never make mistakes. Is this fair? There humans too. There entiled to make mistakes. There entitled to be imperfect. The principle represented here is one of tolerance. Acceptance of mistakes. Willingness to look beyond the things we always see peoples faults, and to see the areas in which they do well.
It so easy, (and we train ourselves to do this) to judge others by the standard of our own capabilities. But thats not fair. Everyone has different gifts. I can fix a computer (sometimes) in 5 minutes flat, but ask me to paint a masterpiece and if i worked my life on it.. I MIGHT get there.
The next logical step on this chain, is to realise that the only fair standart to judge someone elses actions by, is their own personality. Their own dificulties, and their own abilities. And theres only 1 person qualified to do that. Themselves. Perhaps we can identify when someone is working hard to move beyond what they are capable of currently. And this is what should be praised. But when people are failing at things they are not gifted at... in areas where their abilites are lacking, our rfesponse should be support and understanding, not unreasonable expectations.
As per the corollory -- you are also entitled to imperfection too. You have your weak spots and your strong ones. Work to keep your standards high in the strong ones and improve the weak.
2) In a situation that I am unhappy with, It dosen't really matter who is at fault -- It dosent matter how much the other person is in the wrong. The only thing I have control over is MY actions and attitudes. So if the situation needs change in your opinion, then you need to change YOURSELF.
The other guy may be in the wrong, He may be acting like a selfish intractable person. You cant make them stop doing that. All you can change is you. So if your not happy with the situation you are in, do something about it. Because if you dont, theres no reason why the situation should change.
The princaple here is one of responsibility. Only I am responsable for me. There is always something I CAN do, to resolve situations I hate, and this is where I sbould be looking first. Its not what can so and so do to make my life easier... its what can I do to make my life easier. Its about taking responsibility for the situations your in and actually fixing things, rather than blameing others and sinking into an apathay where the world exists to serve you, and any situation is someone elses fault.
Obviously this one is not always the best solution... but it should be by far the most common and first considered.
3) Most of my friends are reasonably nice people. If they say or do something that puts them in a light different to that, then it is likely there is a reason that they are saying or doing that. That reason may not be obvious, but will generally make their actions make more sence.
- Corollory1 If theres 2 ways to interprit something, one of them very negitive, and one of them not, then usually the later is the one that was intended.
Another way to think of this is - as a friend of mine put it -- Respond - dont react. This is about not getting so annoyed with someone because they said something I didnt like, its about instead trying to give them the beneift of the doubt. And trying to understand why they are reacting in the way they are. A carefull measured query as to why rather than an explosive accusatory response or a sullen silence.
The principle here is one of working at relationships. Everyone is different, everyone sees the world differently, rather than expecting everyone else to communicate at your level, try to listen at their level. If they dont make sence, think about where they are coming from. Think about what they mean by that, rather than interpreting it in light of your own understanding, and not understanding them. This is almost a subconcious skill, one you dont even realise you are using, but one you should be useing ALL the time.
And the corollory simply points out, once again, that most of the time, people arent trying to make you want to throttle them. People are generally much nicer than people think. Communication causes MANY problems.
So yeah. Feedback welcome.
Ill reporduce it here as is.
So recently Ive been thinking about some laws --- rules by which to live my life.
Ive spent quit a bit of time pondering these, So Ive decided to put them out there, and let others read them, so they can see just how far off the mark... or close to it... I am. This kinda turned into a leacture on how the world and personal interaction works... so apologies.. And let me know what you agree/disagree with...
So here they are.. Let me know what you think.
Matthews Life theorums v1.0
1) Everyone else is a person too. Whether it be your local minister, your politician, etc.
- Corollory1 -- This applies to me as well.
Whats this one all about? Its about unreasonable expectations.. We expect our ministers, our politicians to be larger than life. To be shining, perfect examples. To never make mistakes. Is this fair? There humans too. There entiled to make mistakes. There entitled to be imperfect. The principle represented here is one of tolerance. Acceptance of mistakes. Willingness to look beyond the things we always see peoples faults, and to see the areas in which they do well.
It so easy, (and we train ourselves to do this) to judge others by the standard of our own capabilities. But thats not fair. Everyone has different gifts. I can fix a computer (sometimes) in 5 minutes flat, but ask me to paint a masterpiece and if i worked my life on it.. I MIGHT get there.
The next logical step on this chain, is to realise that the only fair standart to judge someone elses actions by, is their own personality. Their own dificulties, and their own abilities. And theres only 1 person qualified to do that. Themselves. Perhaps we can identify when someone is working hard to move beyond what they are capable of currently. And this is what should be praised. But when people are failing at things they are not gifted at... in areas where their abilites are lacking, our rfesponse should be support and understanding, not unreasonable expectations.
As per the corollory -- you are also entitled to imperfection too. You have your weak spots and your strong ones. Work to keep your standards high in the strong ones and improve the weak.
2) In a situation that I am unhappy with, It dosen't really matter who is at fault -- It dosent matter how much the other person is in the wrong. The only thing I have control over is MY actions and attitudes. So if the situation needs change in your opinion, then you need to change YOURSELF.
The other guy may be in the wrong, He may be acting like a selfish intractable person. You cant make them stop doing that. All you can change is you. So if your not happy with the situation you are in, do something about it. Because if you dont, theres no reason why the situation should change.
The princaple here is one of responsibility. Only I am responsable for me. There is always something I CAN do, to resolve situations I hate, and this is where I sbould be looking first. Its not what can so and so do to make my life easier... its what can I do to make my life easier. Its about taking responsibility for the situations your in and actually fixing things, rather than blameing others and sinking into an apathay where the world exists to serve you, and any situation is someone elses fault.
Obviously this one is not always the best solution... but it should be by far the most common and first considered.
3) Most of my friends are reasonably nice people. If they say or do something that puts them in a light different to that, then it is likely there is a reason that they are saying or doing that. That reason may not be obvious, but will generally make their actions make more sence.
- Corollory1 If theres 2 ways to interprit something, one of them very negitive, and one of them not, then usually the later is the one that was intended.
Another way to think of this is - as a friend of mine put it -- Respond - dont react. This is about not getting so annoyed with someone because they said something I didnt like, its about instead trying to give them the beneift of the doubt. And trying to understand why they are reacting in the way they are. A carefull measured query as to why rather than an explosive accusatory response or a sullen silence.
The principle here is one of working at relationships. Everyone is different, everyone sees the world differently, rather than expecting everyone else to communicate at your level, try to listen at their level. If they dont make sence, think about where they are coming from. Think about what they mean by that, rather than interpreting it in light of your own understanding, and not understanding them. This is almost a subconcious skill, one you dont even realise you are using, but one you should be useing ALL the time.
And the corollory simply points out, once again, that most of the time, people arent trying to make you want to throttle them. People are generally much nicer than people think. Communication causes MANY problems.
So yeah. Feedback welcome.
# posted by ChinDoGu @ 21:43 
Comments:
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You do raise some interesting points, particularly about the responses we make to other people- I am guilty of assuming the worst in some people (only a very few- usually I am the opposite) but as I do not often dislike someone, I find it is usually helpful to go with my instincts- more often than not I have been right. I try not to show it to them as it may be that I am wrong (and I truly hope that I am) but I think it is important to realise that people are not all nice, yes, it is an alright assumption that your friends generally are not horrible, but even there I have been suprised.
Some more recent though on this one...
We were all created good.
We are all tainted by sin.
While I can look at some people, and see things I abhore, actions I find atrocious, I can also, when I look deep enough see where those actions stem from. What it is that has twisted them into the kind of person... And seeing something like that makes me feel pity not contempt. Every person was created to be capable,a nd to have a default behaviour a default morality that was good. Sin has twisted this, but every person still posesses that default behaviour.
We were all created good.
We are all tainted by sin.
While I can look at some people, and see things I abhore, actions I find atrocious, I can also, when I look deep enough see where those actions stem from. What it is that has twisted them into the kind of person... And seeing something like that makes me feel pity not contempt. Every person was created to be capable,a nd to have a default behaviour a default morality that was good. Sin has twisted this, but every person still posesses that default behaviour.
I can also see where certain behaviours come from. However, I see people all the time with horrible upbringings and with all sorts of problems/issues who are not deliberately nasty or who hurt other people- circumstances may account for some things but I think it is unnecessary most of the time. I also pity people who are like this- please dont get me wrong- but I have seen the worst possible side of some people and it is not pleasant- it can be quite scary. I will always try to acknowledge that it may be my personal feelings which make me mistrust or dislike someone and I try not to let it get in the way (if that is possible) but I still think that my instincts are usually right.
Interesting (and helpful) thoughts. And as is becomming scarily familar, I by-enlarge agree with you. :)
Solutions to misunderstandings begin in ensuring the message received was the message sent, and realising that the only behaviour you can alter, change is your own :)
Anyway, good thoughts.
Solutions to misunderstandings begin in ensuring the message received was the message sent, and realising that the only behaviour you can alter, change is your own :)
Anyway, good thoughts.
Have you read a book called "The 7 habits of highly effective people"? It talks about your circle of influence vs your circle of concern. How worrying about things outside your control is a waste of time essentially.
I found it helpful, however I read it about 10 years ago.
I found it helpful, however I read it about 10 years ago.
I had to study that book for a class last year at uni- it was interesting if a little unrealistic at times in the expectations it set. It was ok
Just because some people can experience a horrible upbringing and come out of it reasonably unscathed, does not meen that those who are scathed deserve any less sympathy, love and understanding.
Im quite willing to admit that I can be a doormat at times. But id rather be a doormat too often than a brick wall too often. By that I mean if I have a choice between assuming the best or the worst of someone, I try to always err on the side of assuming the best.
There may be people out there who dont deserve it. But I havent met any. We pray in the lords prayer, forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us. This is where the rubber hits the road. I guess im going a step beyond forgiving them... im talking about application... How does the fact that we dont hold their sins agains them impact on the way we react to / interpret what they say/do to us.
Thats the basis of my policy. For the other side of this (being a doormat) stay tuned.. Im writing a post about it next.
Im quite willing to admit that I can be a doormat at times. But id rather be a doormat too often than a brick wall too often. By that I mean if I have a choice between assuming the best or the worst of someone, I try to always err on the side of assuming the best.
There may be people out there who dont deserve it. But I havent met any. We pray in the lords prayer, forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us. This is where the rubber hits the road. I guess im going a step beyond forgiving them... im talking about application... How does the fact that we dont hold their sins agains them impact on the way we react to / interpret what they say/do to us.
Thats the basis of my policy. For the other side of this (being a doormat) stay tuned.. Im writing a post about it next.
Sorry if I gave the impression that I dont care about people, I truly do. I think that these people often need loving more. I still find it difficult with a very few people- and this is based on experiences with these people. I will NOT judge someone (even if I want to) until I prove or disprove my feelings- that is not fair- generally I trust people a little too much and assume that the whole world is nice- unfortunately I am knocked on my backside sometimes. I am very far from being perfect- So far it is scary but I know God's love and I hope and pray that everyone will one day- it is hard at times but it is true. I have had some discussions with several people about this as I sometimes sound a little too cynical- Sorry
I dont think you gave that impression Mel. I think you were just trying to be realistic. I have read another book called 'safe people' which talks about the kind of people it is helpful hanging out with vs not. Often we seek to hang out with unsafe people and sometimes when we feel fragile, we seek to hang out with them even more. That is definitely the time to spend time with close friends who understand you. If we do stuff like that, our confidence grows and enables us to care for others more effectively down the track.
I didnt get the impression you didnt care, In fact I got the impression that, like me, you care too much some times. What I am challenging is your idea.. "Untill I prove or disprove my feelings" . To me at least that implies that once someone is in the box of people that cant be trusted, there stuck there.
Dont get me wrong, I'm not saying let people walk all over you... but when someone is in that "box" its easy to take everything they say in the worst possible way. And mabey your right. But the middle ground.. the place we should be in my opinion, is to look for the best, but be prepared for the worst.
Dont let someone repeditivly and consistnatly abuse or exploit you, but be willing to give them that chance that they might just have changed. Dont assume the best OR the worst.
Does that make more sence?
Dont get me wrong, I'm not saying let people walk all over you... but when someone is in that "box" its easy to take everything they say in the worst possible way. And mabey your right. But the middle ground.. the place we should be in my opinion, is to look for the best, but be prepared for the worst.
Dont let someone repeditivly and consistnatly abuse or exploit you, but be willing to give them that chance that they might just have changed. Dont assume the best OR the worst.
Does that make more sence?
Now, I'm not religious, as Matthew is, and since I know him only over the internet I reserve to right to harangue him mercilessly over this, so long as I put a smiley at the end.
I do try to live life to a set of rules. Basically:
Respect everyone you meet until they give you a reason not to.
Conduct yourself in a way which will command respect from others.
Do not underestimate the abilities of anyone, especially their ability to be stupid. This includes yourself.
If you break it, you fix it. I will help you find the tools, but if you're big enough to mess with it in the first place, you're big enough to put it right.
Sometimes saying you're sorry, whether you are or not, is the best thing.
Don't concern yourself too much over things you cannot do anything about.
And another little gem from the USMC: Adapt, Improvise, Overcome
I do try to live life to a set of rules. Basically:
Respect everyone you meet until they give you a reason not to.
Conduct yourself in a way which will command respect from others.
Do not underestimate the abilities of anyone, especially their ability to be stupid. This includes yourself.
If you break it, you fix it. I will help you find the tools, but if you're big enough to mess with it in the first place, you're big enough to put it right.
Sometimes saying you're sorry, whether you are or not, is the best thing.
Don't concern yourself too much over things you cannot do anything about.
And another little gem from the USMC: Adapt, Improvise, Overcome
# posted by 
: Wednesday, May 25, 2005 9:03:00 am
: Wednesday, May 25, 2005 9:03:00 am
All great rules to live by, but a thought? What happens once someone gives you a reason not to respect them?
Cause it will happen. As you said everyone has an incredible capacity for stupidity. Once they exercise it, "proving" there not worthy of respect, what then?
Cause it will happen. As you said everyone has an incredible capacity for stupidity. Once they exercise it, "proving" there not worthy of respect, what then?
It does make sense and I agree with you. It is very hard once you put someone into a box/ category it is easy to leave them there. I have been trying to look at these people in a positive way (as we have discussed) and it is difficult but I think as a Christian it is important to demonstrate Gods love in our lives and to be so judgemental of other people based on my own feelings is not a good thing. Does that make any sense whatsoever???
When they lose my respect, they lose my time and effort. I don't lose my self respect by deliberately treating them badly, but nor do I give them the time of day.
In my opinion, my feelings are all I have to go on a person, so that's what happens. I'm not going to go against that because I feel guilty.
I would think a happy God would not need to use guilt to make you be nice to someone.
Be nice because you are, not because you feel you should.
Get what I mean?
BTW its Preceptor here - PDA won't let me put a name in.
In my opinion, my feelings are all I have to go on a person, so that's what happens. I'm not going to go against that because I feel guilty.
I would think a happy God would not need to use guilt to make you be nice to someone.
Be nice because you are, not because you feel you should.
Get what I mean?
BTW its Preceptor here - PDA won't let me put a name in.
# posted by : Wednesday, May 25, 2005 11:37:00 pm
: Wednesday, May 25, 2005 11:37:00 pm
For my two cents? Forgiveness and tolerance are wonderful things. But there is a difference between being judgemental and being fair, or logical. There's a break point where tolerance becomes simply submission, and although I'm not religious or terribly familiar with Christianity these days, I doubt the God I'm aware of would have intended for Christians to be doormats in the name of understanding. Hell, ultimately giving somebody who's using you the time pof day is bad for them as well, since it only reinforces their negative behaviour and prevents them from growing up.
# posted by : Thursday, May 26, 2005 10:20:00 pm
: Thursday, May 26, 2005 10:20:00 pm
Crap, and then I got sidetracked from the first reply I was going to make:
I heartily disagree with theorum 2 - to whit, saying that if you think the situation needs to change, you need to change yourself. I believe sincerely that is does matter who is at fault, and that nobody should have to "change themself" to accommodate somebody who is in the wrong. I mean, if you go around changing yourself to solve every problem, rather than expecting a healthy level of give-and-take and compromise from those around you, what do you have left? What are you, other than what you have turned yourself into to please others?
I think this attitude is pretty unhealthy, especially for somebody who has expressed concerns about being used/taken advantage of, and having low self-esteem. You definitely have some truth there, particularly later down the line; yes, one needs to take a pro-active stance on one's problems, and do what one can. God/fate helps those who help themselves, and all that. But you phrase it like it means you should always give in, no matter whether you're right or wrong. What you need is something in the middle, no?
I heartily disagree with theorum 2 - to whit, saying that if you think the situation needs to change, you need to change yourself. I believe sincerely that is does matter who is at fault, and that nobody should have to "change themself" to accommodate somebody who is in the wrong. I mean, if you go around changing yourself to solve every problem, rather than expecting a healthy level of give-and-take and compromise from those around you, what do you have left? What are you, other than what you have turned yourself into to please others?
I think this attitude is pretty unhealthy, especially for somebody who has expressed concerns about being used/taken advantage of, and having low self-esteem. You definitely have some truth there, particularly later down the line; yes, one needs to take a pro-active stance on one's problems, and do what one can. God/fate helps those who help themselves, and all that. But you phrase it like it means you should always give in, no matter whether you're right or wrong. What you need is something in the middle, no?
# posted by : Thursday, May 26, 2005 10:34:00 pm
: Thursday, May 26, 2005 10:34:00 pm
Ignore pre, he spents hours at a time posing in his pajamas. And he talks about respect. ;p
# posted by : Friday, May 27, 2005 1:05:00 am
: Friday, May 27, 2005 1:05:00 am
Fox, I see your point, but I still believe in 2)... The difference is, that 2) perhaps only applies to situations which NEED to change. When you cant cope with things the way they are anymore.
Yes, If the other guy is at fault we shouldent just change to accomodate him, but if the situation is untennble, we need to change SOMETHING. Wether that change is just to withdraw ourselves from the situation, to try to fix it, or something else.
Writing this I wounder how that fits in with the way I live my life however.. where I am frequently trying to "Fix" situations by talking to the people involved.
Perhapos like you say, it is something in the middle... Hmm I wounder if its allowable to create 2 almost right and completly contradictory theorums in order to prove by elimination that the solution must be somewhere in the middle.
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Yes, If the other guy is at fault we shouldent just change to accomodate him, but if the situation is untennble, we need to change SOMETHING. Wether that change is just to withdraw ourselves from the situation, to try to fix it, or something else.
Writing this I wounder how that fits in with the way I live my life however.. where I am frequently trying to "Fix" situations by talking to the people involved.
Perhapos like you say, it is something in the middle... Hmm I wounder if its allowable to create 2 almost right and completly contradictory theorums in order to prove by elimination that the solution must be somewhere in the middle.
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